matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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