She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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