I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
