morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
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