The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Randomize
