please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
