2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Randomize
