similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Randomize
