I'm going to rape someone's good day.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
