if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
