I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
