We named our party play list daddy issues
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
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