that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
