thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
