We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Randomize
