Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
