Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
