Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
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