my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
