I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
