new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
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