I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
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