i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize
