No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
