If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
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