You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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