I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
