Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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