she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
