there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
