i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Randomize
