he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
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