I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
