this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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