Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
