I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Randomize
