I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
