I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Randomize
