I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
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