He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
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