I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
Randomize
