The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Randomize
