Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
How is it? Sketchville?
cheap drinks and peanuts cancel out any form of sketchiness
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Randomize
