Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
