Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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