I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
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