He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
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