Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
