The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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