By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
