I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
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