I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
